arrmswokeu

sometimes i feel like we do things just because its comfortable. its not that we want to do it or that we enjoy it anymore but simply because we are used to it. like a relationship that you arent sure if love is even involved anymore. idk maybe im not making anysense. it just seems like were not really interested in eachother and yet still cant seem to let go either. *sigh*  i guess thats just how life goes...at least thats how my life goes idk bout any of u guys. *shrugs* whatever

for what ever reason ppl have a tendency to push others away.  when someone gets too close to you, theres a trigger in your head that goes off and starts  panic. you then try everything you can to push them as far away as possible. it starts out as alil things and then moves on to drastic measures. the question is... how do you know when to take the chance and actaully trust someone?

so my spine is fucked up. still trying to figure out why. im stuck at my mother's house which is horrible at night cuz i have to rely on my mother in order to move and horrible during the day cuz im left alone with no one to fucking help me. i miss justin and i miss his comfy bed. i need a cig too. but other than that laying still on the couch is really boring...aside from the screaming pain that is.

waiting around till i get a call from job corps saying its time for me to leave is really boring. i hate waiting for shit. anyone who's known me even for a second should know that. what makes waiting for the call even worse is the fact that im waiting at my mother's house. arrrrgggg. i cant stand that woman. why does she have to be so damn psyco?

truth is.... i almost killed myself lastnight because im stuck in this fucking house with them horrible memories.  if justin hadnt talked me out of it , id be dead.

i have decided that i am in fact going to go through the transition. thats it.. just thought you'd like to know

why are people so insensitive that they cant understand when something truely hurts someone else? i mean seriously, isi it so hard to understand that killing a mouse when grim just died 3 months ago hurts me? its not like its difficult to capture it live.

so aparently i have bdp which is kewl i guess. at least i know why roach exists.

on the other hand.

theres been alot of shit going on that im not found of. i dont know wether we should go to tx or nc. theres just too much with both. ppl are being babies in bethel. and all if it is pissing me off. my hand is swolen because i slamed it into a light post. after of course lenny pissed me off. and everyone will hear it from me in just a few hours from now. it'll be interesting. assuming i dont hit anyone. and oh yeah to make everything soo much better...my blankey got peed on. thats right it got PEED on.

i've been fighting with myself with myself all day and last night. i cant make it stop. and i still dont know who the orignal is but god help me if its not her. at this point i just wish i had health insurance so that i could go see a shrink. as much as i hate shrinks i think it might actually be helpful. theres gotta be something wrong with me.  

you get upset when i am attacked by the memories of him. 
i can see the pain in your eyes when i panic.
yet now you get upset with me
because i want to confront him.
because i wish to tell him 
how much he has messed up my life.
how does this make any sense?
yes, he could get mad and do it again.
thats why i am to bring ppl with me.
i thought you'd feel better that way
but clearly that is not enough
you want my pain to disappear
like it was never there at all
but you dont want me
 to do anything to make that happen
how does this make sense?
i think you just want your shot at him
but that wont help me in any way
make up your mind.
what do you want?

heres what i want....

i want to see his face one last time. i want to tell him that he cant hurt me anymore. not even in my nightmares. i want to tell him that he no longer has that power over me. even if thats not true. i want to tell him anyways. i want the memories to go away. i want the pain to disappear. i want you to support me. i want you to be there in case i fall apart after. i want you to tell me he cant hurt me anymore. i want you to see that im not indestructible. and i want you to tell me thats ok. i want you to tell me i can cry because im scared. 


i want you!

so far we've gotten lost, pulled over for speeding, and almost died. yeah that's right we almost fucking died. we were going through Tennessee and this storm hits with tornadoes n everything. there was one forming right next to us as we were trying to run from all this shit. it was fucking scary as hell man. it wasn't kewl. i mean i've never prayed so hard in my fucking life. but we made it through and now were just chillin in tx

today is tweek's funeral service. i dont wanna go. mostly because i dont want to have to say goodbye to him.  itll be so hard to be there and i dont think leech is having a easy time with it either. i dont really wanna be in ct. i havent wanted to be here for a long time now and now that things are getting much much worse i dont think i can handle it anymore. i keep losing my sanity and my heart hurts when i breath.  

its spring. i hate spring. mike got sick in the spring. n pops moved far away again... only this time mike isnt alive to make things better. i miss him.

mike told me he would return when it was time for me to go home.... i just wanna go home 

i dont even know what to say. today and lastnight were just terrible. i cant express my sorrow for the recent deaths of our loved ones.  with every breath i take i can feel my heart breaking. 

my dearest grim... you were only a year and a half old. i cant imagine what i did wrong in order for you to have gotten so sick in the first place. im sorry i couldnt give you a better life.  

to our friend tweek... you have given us some great memories which we shall cherrish for the rest of our lives. we will miss you dearly.  im only glad that you were not in pain. 

im hurt. im angry. its unfair. and its way more than i can handle. i want my life back. i want my friend back. and i want my grimmy bear back. but thats clearly not going to happen.

its kinda boring here. nothing ever happens. nothing new at least. im getting kinda tired of my mother's constant yelling. in the years that i've been gone from here she hasnt changed at all. to be honest i dont think she ever will change. im not quite sure what makes her so unhappy. it doesnt seem to matter what is going on or who she is with. she will always be psycho. 

i'm not sure if i want to be grown up. most of it just isnt fair.  in a few years my friends will be dropping like flies. n then suddenly... i'll drop too.  dont get me wrong. my death really doesnt bother me that much. its everyone else's that  i'm not ok with.  and other than that i can't seem to get out of my fucking mother's house. 

 i find it interesting that some of us are ok with our own death but not with others. where other people are ok with others death but not with their own.  i guess the big question is why? what is it about letting go that is hard for some and yet so easy for others? 

people grow, they live, they die. some ppl grow old. other ppl die young. some have the grace of finding love and others... well... dont. when you put it out on paper it all seems so simple.  we live and die. so what is it about death that bothers us so damn much? every has made up their mind as far as what happens after so that shouldnt be the issue here. 

i think its more the fact that we have to let go. when we die we are forced to let go of all that we have worked hard for. our jobs, families, friends, pets, our dreams and goals. 

so perhaps its not survival of the fittest rather than death of the worthy.  ARE YOU WORTHY TO DIE? because it seems to me that death is the easiest part of life. 

sometimes i regret the things i have done in the past. at some point i think everyone does. but there are other times  where i realize i just might be like everyone else if i hadnt  gone through those expirences. im not real sure which is better. lol. but i do know that this is what makes me... me. now maybe my life would be easier if i was normal. but without the dreams, demons, spirits, devil, the souls and energy work i wouldnt have the kind of understanding that i have for other creatures. i understand the things that most do not. and that can sometimes be pretty kewl.